SarahIt’s a beautiful winter day where I live. Today as I was driving into town to run some errands I saw this house on my way to town that bothers me every time I see it. I look at it and think it’s a metaphor for what the world is like these days. It’s an older white brick ranch style house, or rather it was back in the day. A few years back they refaced the front of the house in a beautiful stone, leaving the sides and back with the original white brick. It looks gorgeous from the front. The new refacing and the old white brick do not fit together. It makes me think that just like most of us we don’t like or appreciate ourselves so we put on this fancy veneer to make yourselves look bright and shiny.
I’m as guilty as the next guy for worrying and wondering what people will think. I remember sitting at my mommy’s group not wanting to admit the second my husband walked in the door I gave him my son because I couldn’t parent one more minute, and I felt like a huge failure. Or pretending at a BBQ that my husband and I hadn’t gotten in a huge fight on the way there. I remember not inviting people over because the dishes and the laundry were piled up and it was just too much work to finish those chores. We pretend like we’re okay because it’s too hard to admit we’re not, even to ourselves sometimes.
Over the years I have come to realize that most of us think we are just putting on a show for others. That if people knew the real us they wouldn’t like us or want to be around us. I believe they call it imposter syndrome. Like the house on my drive we are putting on a beautiful stone veneer while the part people can’t see is the same old white brick.
How freeing would it be to look at the pile of laundry and not berate yourself for not being good enough? To be able to have your partner step up because they know you’re struggling to be a person and a parent at the same time? That you can’t even remember who you were before this mess.
When we can admit we are not okay and allow ourselves to just be who we are we are on the road to freedom. You’ll notice as you start to do that others around you will respond in a similar fashion. You will show them that it’s okay to not be perfect. It’s okay to be messy and needy sometimes. We are all doing the best we can with where we are and what we have at the time. Sometimes that’s amazing and sometimes it’s not so amazing.
When I first admitted it to myself I started on a journey that has truly changed my life. It started with that one realization. Since that time I have had to give myself many reminders that who I am is okay, better than okay actually.
Here’s some of the things I’ve found that really helped me along the way.
- Acknowledge you are not where you want to be and allow yourself the low moods
- This is a big one. If we won’t admit it to ourselves how can we move past it. Pretending a side of us doesn’t exist won’t make it go away.
- Quiet time or self reflection time of some sort
- Try walking or taking a warm bath. Grab a few minutes when you get up or before bed, when doing chores, even sitting on the toilet. Just a few minutes can make a big difference.
- Be kind to yourself
- Not being perfect is not a weakness. It is normal. Even though we see other people’s seemingly perfect lives just remember it’s just a pretty cover not reality.
- Be aware of your inner dialog
- Is your self talk positive or negative? Would you speak to a loved one that way? Being aware of what we say to ourselves is the key to letting down that wall that keeps us separate.
- Do one thing different each day
- Spend as little as 5-10 minutes doing something you’ve been putting off. This small amount of time will make you feel like you are moving forward. That’s a powerful feeling that can motivate you more. Remember to be kind to yourself if one day you aren’t able to do that one thing. Tomorrow is another day to try again.
- Journaling
- This doesn’t need to be a time consuming experience. It can be as simple as jotting down random feelings or thoughts. If traditional journaling works for you that’s great too. Personally I don’t journal in a free writing style too often. I tend to journal in jot note form. Daily I write what activities I did that day, three things I am grateful for, about a paragraph of free writing followed by plans and intentions for the following day. The whole process takes no more than ten minutes before bed. It helps me to reflect on the day and get my head around what is happening the next day. I also have another journal that I write in occasionally when I am trying to work something out or dig deeper into an issue. That is the time I do free writing or mind mapping. Mind mapping is actually one of my favorite ways to get to the heart of an issue. My journals are just lined notebook or scrapbooks (if you want more room) that I purchased at the local dollar store.
- Talk with friends, surround yourself with good people
- The people we spend time with are so important. It’s hard to be kind to ourselves and strive for a positive attitude when we are surrounded by judgment and negativity.
Remember it doesn’t need to be a big change or gesture. Each little step leads us closer to where we want to be and to who we want to be.
Journal questions
Am I living true to myself?
What is one small step I can make today to become more me?
Is there someone I can try to open up to?
